So. My wife and I have been playing the blame game recently. We are in short supply of our paper and digital monetary currency at the moment, and we both have made purchases that the other has deemed unnecessary. She got a speeding ticket, I bought the wrong color paint, she made in-store purchases, I made online purchases.
As we both looked through our bank account and demanded of each other -- "Why did you buy this?! Do we really need this right now!?" -- I began to notice how easy it is to question the decisions of others, and how easy it is to hold my own as inherently righteous. When I make a decision -- any decision at all -- I am making a judgement call. I am deciding that the value of my decision's outcome is worth what I am "spending" -- time, energy, money, etc. -- to see the decision through. When we see someone else make a decision, we know, even if only subconsciously, that they are following the same process of weighing outcome vs. input. What we forget is that they simply have a different value system than we do. What we may judge as a "worth it" decision, they might not. And this is only because we hold the inputs and outcomes at different levels of value.
Think of shopping at a thrift store. You are purchasing things that others have gotten rid of. There might be a shirt there that fits you perfectly, and you think "how could someone get rid of this!" Perhaps it simply does not fit them any more. If they have outgrown that shirt, then what value is there in keeping it? Realize how this relates to all decisions we make: we make the decisions that fit us at the moment. It is true that we can agree on some decisions, one shirt may fit multiple people, but we would also do well to allow the space for others to choose the shirts that fit them, even if they do not fit us.
Thinking this way may seem simple enough, but it becomes a bit stickier when we share our resources. If I see someone spending their time, energy or money on something that I would not, it may not bother me. I might say, "well it's his money, he can do what he wants". It is when his money, or her money, becomes our money that we become increasingly invested in, and potentially possessive over, the decisions that are made collectively.
My wife and I share our money. So when I spend it on something that she does not agree with, it may feel to her like she is spending it on something she does not agree with. And indeed she is. Our money, and much else, is One, so if either of us use it, we both use it. The way we make sense of this is by remembering that our loving other is someone for whom we deeply adore, respect, appreciate and care. This allows for us to honor each other's decisions. I may become upset initially with regard to a particular expenditure saying, "we don't need this!!" -- but if she maintains that it is indeed worth it for her, my avenue to peace and happiness proceeds through remembering how wonderful, intelligent and reasonable she is, and if it is worth it for her, then it is worth it for me to allow it to be worth it for her. Let me be clear that I am not saying I need to change my value system and agree with the decision -- indeed I may be betraying myself by doing so. Instead I can simply observe as she enjoys her decision. I do not need to get in the middle of it.
When I question a monetary spending decision of my wife I am saying, "don't you know how little money we have at the moment, we can't afford that!" And it is true that oversights do occur. She might realize that indeed we have less money than she thought, and so she may return the item. However, if she has all of the same information that I do, and still stands by her decision, then I must remind myself of how reasonable and intelligent she is. I then realize my solace is in letting it be.
My wife and I dance together in intimate relationship because of who we experience each other to be. Certainly we have our differences, but we appreciate, Love, and respect each other for Who We Are. Our relationship blossoms, as do we, by allowing each other to be fully ourselves. Especially in times of disagreement. Indeed disagreeing situations are those with the most potential for growth because we must push our own boundaries in search of comfort. The result is that we find comfort in larger and larger domains of experience. Our relationship is our declaration of our willingness to grow together.
In reality, all of humankind is in relationship with one another. In truth, we are all sharing all the world. Let us get out of our own and each other's way. Let us honor, respect, appreciate and care for ALL the same way we do for our intimate others. Let us let each other have our decisions, our differing value systems. Let us remember that we are not the sole arbiters of rightness and wrongness. Instead we all make these decisions together as One Human Family Here On Earth. We cannot expect to police the decisions of others while simultaneously enjoying the freedom to make our own decisions. If we are to let freedom reign for ourselves, it must reign for us all. To let freedom reign we must let it be.
So let it be.
No comments:
Post a Comment