Finally, as I head to bed, I have a moment to write.
This morning I woke up early, went for a walk, practiced yoga, danced a bit and then got on with my day. A step in the right direction, and I will keep walking.
I understand this life to be cumulative, and I know that my effort must be consistent and persistent.
Recently I watched a video interview with Waylon Lewis (founder of Elephant Journal) who interviewed Seane Corn (renowned yoga teacher, and activist -- founder of Off the Mat Into the World). Waylon asked her how she stays grounded in her unbelievably busy life in which she travels a ton, and goes from airplane to hotel to project, etc. She said (paraphrasing) "I have six non-negotiables: yoga, meditation, prayer, therapy, diet and sleep. If any one of the those is off, there is a good chance that my presence will wain, my 'small self' will show up, my ego will dominate and my clarity will blur. With the exception of therapy, I attend to these practices every day".
I am starting to realize what my non-negotiables are.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
The first step is the first step no matter when we take it, and it needs to be taken. It is all I can do for now and it is enough.
It's been too long since I've written. What happened? Last summer I was connecting to some really amazing threads of thoughts and feelings, and they felt so meaningful. My morning practices were changing the way I viewed my life, and Life in general. The inspiration that was coming to me was so meaningful, it impacted things I did on a day to day basis. It was putting a humongous smile on my face day in and day out. It was making me realize that I am the source of my own happiness, and I am the source of my daily experiences. I create what happens for me.
And now it's been months...I have not written since January. What do I have to say for myself? Life got in the way? I decided to take on additional work to make more money to support my lifestyle, and so my morning practice got butted out of priority. I began to hit the snooze button instead of getting out of bed...I felt tired. Am I satisfied with that? Is the change I made beneficial? Is what I've gained worth what I've given up? It sure doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm missing out. When I hit the snooze button in the morning it's like I'm hitting the snooze button in my life. "No, I don't want to get out of bed right now, I'm going to sleep longer. What's so great about being awake anyway?"
And now I have not written for months, and the reason is simple: I've not had substance to write about. My days feel flat.
There are a lot of things in my life that I feel like I need to change. Is the snooze button the way to do that? Clearly not. So how do I? How do I muster up that motivation to get myself going? To attend to the things that I need to attend to? It's simple. I just do. I just get up. And I just keep getting up. If it's so simple, then how come I haven't been? I have let other things take priority. I have decided that I need to work more, and I need more money, and that what I cultivate in my morning practice comes second. Is this true? It sure doesn't feel like it.
If I look at the simple consequences of the choices I've made, and how I feel right now, it's clear that my priorities are mixed up. When I sacrifice my morning practice, my morning connection with myself and with life, I have a hard time looking life in the eye throughout my day. I shy away from opportunities with thoughts like "oh that's not for me, or, I just don't have time for that". I start seeing the world as separate from me, and I feel like a foreigner in my own neighborhood. I say "no" to life, instead of saying "yes". I want to say "YES". It's that simple. I know that things won't just happen for me. I MAKE them happen for me. Which is another way of saying that I decide what happens in my life, I create the experiences. Right now the experience I'm creating is "woe is me". I'm not practicing yoga, I'm not dancing, I'm not singing, I'm not sharing time with friends, I'm not creating meaning in my Life. I am married to an amazing woman, and we have a fantastic daughter together, and I feel like we're all stuck in an unhealthful cave of our own creation, unable to figure out how to get out and engage with the world.
I am writing today from my yoga mat. I took a hard look at my Life, and I cried. This is not how I want to live. This is not who I want to be. I tapped back in to what I know in my heart: that all things flow from consciousness. My state of being is what springs forth my experiences. The way I feel, produces what I experience in the world. My level of understanding dictates what is revealed to me. So if I want to change my life, what is the first step? Changing my state of consciousness - changing that of which I am currently aware. Right now I am aware of my problems. How do I solve them? I become aware of my power to solve them.
There are an unlimited of number of ways to change one's state of consciousness, one's level of awareness. For me, celebrating my body is a vital in the process of increasing my level of consciousness and increasing my awareness of Who and What I Am, and what this Life is all about. The ways I like to celebrate my body are yoga, dancing and singing. So I put on some music, and I danced. I felt better instantly. Dancing is a way of feeling the fullness of the energy that I Am. My dance is very interpretational/spontaneous/intuitive. I have no real training, just a burning desire to Love Myself through moving my body. Then I unrolled my mat, and I stretched and breathed and felt all the way to the absolute tips of my fingers, and I moved slow enough to remember that I am the one in control of this body. I move it, and I decide what it does. An honor and a gift. Then I sang. Actually I chanted - inspired by a friends blog about the powerful effects of chanting, which is the practice of repeating a phrase over and over again so that it can wash over you completely and settle deeply within you, vibrating your body from the inside out. I put on Deva Premal's "Gayatri Mantra" and I chanted along.
Half way through chanting my throat started burning, something was growing. I let it build until I was chant-crying. Then crying took over. There are times that we cry that are quiet, maybe we're afraid of being too loud, we don't want anyone to know our life isn't perfect, or maybe a small cry is all we need at the moment. And then there are freedom-driven cries where you don't care who hears you. You don't care if people think you're absolutely nuts. You're willing to cry like a crazy person to fully embrace the experience. I have cried like this twice in my Life - both experiences were beautiful and powerful and liberating. It is almost like scream-crying - the more I embrace the experience the louder and more powerful it will build. I call it freedom-driven crying because it feels like a call for freedom of expression, like I'm shaking off some perceived suppression, and letting it rip. This cry for me today was somewhere in the middle. I freed up my throat enough to make noise, some good audible crying, but I didn't loosen up enough to let it rip from the core of my being. My daughter sleeping upstairs was one deterrent, and if I'm honest, the other was the thought "C'mon Andrew, you don't need to totally lose your sh*t today, do you?". Who knows...maybe I should have. Either way the cry was good enough for now, but I know there is more in there.
This Life touches all of our emotions, and that's the point. The extent to which you are willing to fully feel your emotions, and fully embrace your experiences is the extent to which you will understand, appreciate, and celebrate being alive. Crying is a way of sharing the feeling of fullness. Sometimes it's a fullness of pain, loss, or struggle, other times it's fullness of joy, or beauty in Life. I say it's a way of sharing because as a friend once said to me: "we cry to be heard". And it is quite a display: we make noise, sometimes we cover our faces, sometimes (as children do) we lay down and spread out, we ooze mucous and tears, our body trembles...and there is a rhythm to it which flows on the breath - we...breathe...in...and...then...WANHHHHHH HANHHH HANHH. We all share the experience of crying, and perhaps many of us stifle it far too often. An honest-to-goodness wail can be extremely healing. It was for me in the past, and even today my partial wail was enough to get myself to listen.
I need to make changes. Today is the first step. The first step is the first step no matter when we take it, and it needs to be taken. It is all I can do for now and it is enough. And still, I am determined to keep walking. I am tired of calling on my yoga practice and dancing and singing as remedies once things have already been derailed. My intention is remember what these tools can build with daily use, and put them to work.
I would love for you to join me :-)
And now it's been months...I have not written since January. What do I have to say for myself? Life got in the way? I decided to take on additional work to make more money to support my lifestyle, and so my morning practice got butted out of priority. I began to hit the snooze button instead of getting out of bed...I felt tired. Am I satisfied with that? Is the change I made beneficial? Is what I've gained worth what I've given up? It sure doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm missing out. When I hit the snooze button in the morning it's like I'm hitting the snooze button in my life. "No, I don't want to get out of bed right now, I'm going to sleep longer. What's so great about being awake anyway?"
And now I have not written for months, and the reason is simple: I've not had substance to write about. My days feel flat.
There are a lot of things in my life that I feel like I need to change. Is the snooze button the way to do that? Clearly not. So how do I? How do I muster up that motivation to get myself going? To attend to the things that I need to attend to? It's simple. I just do. I just get up. And I just keep getting up. If it's so simple, then how come I haven't been? I have let other things take priority. I have decided that I need to work more, and I need more money, and that what I cultivate in my morning practice comes second. Is this true? It sure doesn't feel like it.
If I look at the simple consequences of the choices I've made, and how I feel right now, it's clear that my priorities are mixed up. When I sacrifice my morning practice, my morning connection with myself and with life, I have a hard time looking life in the eye throughout my day. I shy away from opportunities with thoughts like "oh that's not for me, or, I just don't have time for that". I start seeing the world as separate from me, and I feel like a foreigner in my own neighborhood. I say "no" to life, instead of saying "yes". I want to say "YES". It's that simple. I know that things won't just happen for me. I MAKE them happen for me. Which is another way of saying that I decide what happens in my life, I create the experiences. Right now the experience I'm creating is "woe is me". I'm not practicing yoga, I'm not dancing, I'm not singing, I'm not sharing time with friends, I'm not creating meaning in my Life. I am married to an amazing woman, and we have a fantastic daughter together, and I feel like we're all stuck in an unhealthful cave of our own creation, unable to figure out how to get out and engage with the world.
I am writing today from my yoga mat. I took a hard look at my Life, and I cried. This is not how I want to live. This is not who I want to be. I tapped back in to what I know in my heart: that all things flow from consciousness. My state of being is what springs forth my experiences. The way I feel, produces what I experience in the world. My level of understanding dictates what is revealed to me. So if I want to change my life, what is the first step? Changing my state of consciousness - changing that of which I am currently aware. Right now I am aware of my problems. How do I solve them? I become aware of my power to solve them.
There are an unlimited of number of ways to change one's state of consciousness, one's level of awareness. For me, celebrating my body is a vital in the process of increasing my level of consciousness and increasing my awareness of Who and What I Am, and what this Life is all about. The ways I like to celebrate my body are yoga, dancing and singing. So I put on some music, and I danced. I felt better instantly. Dancing is a way of feeling the fullness of the energy that I Am. My dance is very interpretational/spontaneous/intuitive. I have no real training, just a burning desire to Love Myself through moving my body. Then I unrolled my mat, and I stretched and breathed and felt all the way to the absolute tips of my fingers, and I moved slow enough to remember that I am the one in control of this body. I move it, and I decide what it does. An honor and a gift. Then I sang. Actually I chanted - inspired by a friends blog about the powerful effects of chanting, which is the practice of repeating a phrase over and over again so that it can wash over you completely and settle deeply within you, vibrating your body from the inside out. I put on Deva Premal's "Gayatri Mantra" and I chanted along.
Half way through chanting my throat started burning, something was growing. I let it build until I was chant-crying. Then crying took over. There are times that we cry that are quiet, maybe we're afraid of being too loud, we don't want anyone to know our life isn't perfect, or maybe a small cry is all we need at the moment. And then there are freedom-driven cries where you don't care who hears you. You don't care if people think you're absolutely nuts. You're willing to cry like a crazy person to fully embrace the experience. I have cried like this twice in my Life - both experiences were beautiful and powerful and liberating. It is almost like scream-crying - the more I embrace the experience the louder and more powerful it will build. I call it freedom-driven crying because it feels like a call for freedom of expression, like I'm shaking off some perceived suppression, and letting it rip. This cry for me today was somewhere in the middle. I freed up my throat enough to make noise, some good audible crying, but I didn't loosen up enough to let it rip from the core of my being. My daughter sleeping upstairs was one deterrent, and if I'm honest, the other was the thought "C'mon Andrew, you don't need to totally lose your sh*t today, do you?". Who knows...maybe I should have. Either way the cry was good enough for now, but I know there is more in there.
This Life touches all of our emotions, and that's the point. The extent to which you are willing to fully feel your emotions, and fully embrace your experiences is the extent to which you will understand, appreciate, and celebrate being alive. Crying is a way of sharing the feeling of fullness. Sometimes it's a fullness of pain, loss, or struggle, other times it's fullness of joy, or beauty in Life. I say it's a way of sharing because as a friend once said to me: "we cry to be heard". And it is quite a display: we make noise, sometimes we cover our faces, sometimes (as children do) we lay down and spread out, we ooze mucous and tears, our body trembles...and there is a rhythm to it which flows on the breath - we...breathe...in...and...then...WANHHHHHH HANHHH HANHH. We all share the experience of crying, and perhaps many of us stifle it far too often. An honest-to-goodness wail can be extremely healing. It was for me in the past, and even today my partial wail was enough to get myself to listen.
I need to make changes. Today is the first step. The first step is the first step no matter when we take it, and it needs to be taken. It is all I can do for now and it is enough. And still, I am determined to keep walking. I am tired of calling on my yoga practice and dancing and singing as remedies once things have already been derailed. My intention is remember what these tools can build with daily use, and put them to work.
I would love for you to join me :-)
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